Childbirth

It’s such a traumatic experience, but seeing that baby’s face and getting to hold that baby really helps with the healing process mentally. I am so grateful for two live babies to have helped me to heal each time because it’s tough.

My People

For the past week or so but specifically these past few days, I’ve been in an odd mood. I feel duped, but I feel so special. My closest people around me have gone through extraordinary lengths to ensure that I have a special day prior to giving birth. There’s clearly some sort of celebration being planned all around me. I’ve felt tickled, loved and everything else like, “Do they really believe I am that oblivious?” Because I don’t ask a lot of questions, I can be easily fooled, but it gives me a lot of time to think and be suspicious. There are things that I’ve noticed that aren’t adding up. I even wondered how they would get me to dress up and make myself look presentable. I received my answer last night that it would obviously be my husband based on a text message I received. Then this morning he called me with some shenanigans that showed me exactly how their goal would be accomplished. I spoke to my oldest sister this morning where she had some questions for me… more shenanigans. It has taken everything in me to not just laugh hysterically and to hug them.

I posted the last time about my registry, and guess what? Miraculously nearly every item on there has been purchased. Clearly something has been in the works. Makes me think about some seemingly innocent questions that I’ve been asked along the way. It’s like they are trying to make sure there’s nothing left for me to buy. Then last night I had a dream that there was a large group of people together for a baby shower for me but trying to pretend, so I made comments like, “Y’all didn’t even have the decency to warn me so I could look presentable.” Everyone was looking good except for me. I know it probably seems like I already know what’s going to happen today so it won’t truly be a surprise, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know what all is in store for me today, but I am super excited. Yesterday my son told me he had a secret that his dad told him and he wanted to share with me. I’m not, but I really don’t like spoiled surprises. I had to reassure him that he and his daddy could have secrets together. I guess he was a little bit concerned because I’ve talked to him about people trying to keep secrets with children, and I’ve let him know that he needs to talk to me. In his mind since I’ve told him that we don’t have secrets, he’s trying to make sure that’s true. Now he has more information on the secret front. I did talk to my mom this morning about the people’s shenanigans, but nothing specific.

I just know that I am abundantly loved, and my people are making sure that I know that during a very important part of my life. I love you guys!!!

Until next time,

It’s Me

Worthiness

As I get closer and closer to the delivery of baby number two, I grow more anxious about the changes that will come. As we’re in the midst of a global pandemic that many people pretend aren’t real, I can’t help but notice how this pregnancy has been so much different than my first. One thing that has transpired is my interaction with people such as my coworkers. My first pregnancy years ago I was physically at work. I can remember the numerous lunch break trips to Walmart with two of my favorite people who were clearly buying things to prepare to shower me but they would say, “You don’t see anything.” As I’m a person who actually likes surprises to a certain extent, it want something that I dwelled on trying to figure out exactly what they were doing. I just went with the flow enjoying their company.

This time around my work environment has changed tremendously, and it isn’t even just due to the pandemic. I’ve found that there are many people who only have a heart for certain people, and I don’t happen to be one of them. Now I do communicate with some of my coworkers, but working in a hostile environment will do a number to you mentally and emotionally. That has brought about probably the most significant relationship change. I’ve shared my pregnancy freely with those who seem to care about me as a human being and with others only because I have to. I’ve literally had no expectations of people because I’ve allowed many of them to make me feel unworthy.

A large part of that is that no matter how much help I may need, I’ve not reached out much. Even in terms of a baby registry, I created one with intentions of purchasing what I need and not truly sharing it with people because I figure that no one truly cares about or needs to be inconvenienced by me. No matter how much people tell me they care about me, I somehow still don’t feel worthy. It’s crazy, I know.

As I lay awake at 3:30 am and decided I needed to purchase more big ticket items from my registry, I looked and saw that the main item I actually do need had been purchased among other things. My heart is filled with so much warmth. I don’t have a shortage of people who tell me they care about me and love me and speak life into me and my situations on a daily basis. My problem is that I’ve let a few people who don’t truly know me or even care about me determine my self worth. Ultimately they don’t truly matter. The good people matter. The love matters. The kindness matters.

I always try and do good by people. I always try to stand up for the people who are afraid to stand up for themselves. When it comes to myself, I don’t always treat me with the same kindness, care, and concern that I give others. I still struggle with finding my voice. I know it won’t always be so hard. Thank you to the people who have been my support system. This past year specifically has been very rough. There are some who will never understand, but there are others who have stood by me on the frontline fighting the good fight. Y’all, we are so much stronger than we think. We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I know even on my darkest days, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God has been doing such a marvelous work in my life, and I thank Him for being who He is and for providing me with all of these angels along the way.

While you’re out there in this world, remember to spread more love and kindness rather than hate. Most of us are literally trying to survive. Along the journey remember to save some kindness for yourself because you are worthy.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Seeking Permission

Do you often find yourself as an adult seemingly seeking permission? Well, I’m very guilty of that. It’s something I’m working on changing. Sometimes when we tell people that we’re doing something (what our plans are, etc.) and they start asking questions or offering suggestions, we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. I’m not asking for permission. I’m sharing my plans, and it doesn’t matter if they’re not completely thought out because I’m still going through the process. I’m not seeking permission to do something. I’m literally sharing. Perhaps it’s my own fault for sharing because I could just keep it to myself and just do it. I’m a person who is normally pretty free, and I guess that’s how I end up in these situations. Ultimately I end up doing nothing because it seems like I didn’t get the permission that I wasn’t truly seeking or I allow someone to talk me out of doing something that I wanted to do just because they can’t or couldn’t understand my vision. It doesn’t matter who you are, but if you’ve supported any of my ideas in any way, thank you. I’ve allowed so many people to make me second guess myself or feel like I’m someone less than because they don’t understand what I want or what I’m trying to do. It gets so frustrating. If I didn’t ask you for advice then please just stop giving it. Sometimes we just want a listening ear and I guess we pick the wrong person to go to. That’s why so many people do move in silence. I’ve watched so many people come out with all types of businesses, and I’ve been so proud watching them from the sidelines. It’s like they have so much courage, faith, and everything else it takes to trust that they will be successful at what they’ve put their minds to achieve. I have literally been in awe. My unsolicited advice is if you have something that you want to do, just do it without getting put into a situation where you are made to feel as though you’re asking for permission. Go forward and be great, and I wish you the best in whatever your future endeavors might be!!!

Until next time,

It’s Me

Pregnancy and Some of the Things They Don’t Tell You

So, finally I’m pregnant again. This time around is a little bit more difficult than the first. I’ve been experiencing some issues that I obviously had during my first pregnancy, but they are more pronounced this time around.

  1. Carpal tunnel-I’m reminded that my first time around I had some minor issues with my fingertips tingling when I would try and twist my hair, so I’d have to take frequent breaks. I didn’t think too much about it because no one ever mentioned that being an issue. This time around once I hit 24 weeks, my left hand and wrist began hurting terribly and I could barely use it. When I went to the doctor and mentioned it, I was told, “Yeah, that’s carpal tunnel. It’s common in pregnancy.” Interestingly enough most of the people I’ve mentioned it to have said they never heard or knew that and were as surprised as I. It has switched from my left to my right hand, and at times I’ve experienced the pain and numbness in both simultaneously. I think that is probably the worst. I was told that it should go away after childbirth, but I was also told that it is a possibility that it will not.
  2. Boldness of people-I already knew this one, but during my first pregnancy is when it was revealed. People want to comment on your weight (whether you’re losing or gaining). It’s none of your business!!! I really cannot stress this enough. I already have enough body image issues and don’t need your input. If I choose to share that’s one thing, but for the most part, please leave me alone and mind your business. I don’t care if you think it looks like I’m doing well because I haven’t gained much or if you think I’ve gained too much. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN BODY. The only reason it isn’t so bad this time around is because of quarantine.
  3. Pain in the lower extremities-This time around things began aching much sooner. It’s like your body remembers the previous time(s) and is just preparing earlier or something. I don’t know. Either way I find movement a little more difficult this time around especially when it comes to working out. I’m trying to be kind to myself because after all, I am literally growing a new life inside of me.
  4. Exhaustion-First trimester and last trimester have been the worst. During the second trimester things were pretty smooth. It was actually one of the first signs that lead me to believe that I might actually be pregnant.
  5. Fear-Whether it’s the first one or another one, it’s scary. Having PCOS has made me very paranoid along the way. You worry about whether or not you’ll be able to conceive, then when it happens, you worry about whether or not you’ll be able to sustain a pregnancy. You wonder what the adjustment will be like trying to acclimated to having a new baby in the house. How will your life change? Will you suffer from post-partum? Will you have all of the help and support you need along the way? There are so many questions that you might have that you won’t really know the answers to until the time comes. There are some questions you don’t even know about in advance. Hopefully when these things come up, you’ll be able to get answers.

All in all, pregnancy and it’s symptoms vary from one person to another and also from one pregnancy to the next. You might become someone you don’t even recognize, but the one thing for certain is that you’re preparing to bring a new life into this world. That in itself is so beautiful. I am in awe of the abilities that the female body has. Even when you feel the weakest and most vulnerable, your body is being so strong and doing something so beautiful. Be kind to yourself along the way, and I hope that others are kind to you too.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Cookies…Yum, and Happy Mother’s Day

I really have been in the mood for some homemade cookies. I have not made any from scratch in years. For me, I’m always looking for the perfect recipe for anything I make because I want it to taste better than before. Well, I came across a recipe for some cookies called, DoubleTree Cookies from a blog called, The Little Kitchen.Net https://pin.it/3JzeC4V. The picture of the cookies just looked like they were going to be delicious. I decided that I would make them, and I did. I started at night, almost 8 pm to be exact. So, in the recipe, it tells you to refrigerate or freeze your cookie dough two to four hours or overnight. I figured overnight would be best since I had already gotten a late start. I definitely took the recommendation to go ahead and portion out the dough prior to refrigeration rather than trying to portion out hard dough. Literally all I had to do was pick up the individual portions, place them on the pan, and bake. That was simple enough.

If you’re looking for a good cookie recipe, I do recommend this one. Let me know if you try it and like it. My household did.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Still moving along…

Hey guys. I just wanted to do a quick post to let y’all know that I’m still here moving along. I’ll be honest of course and say that I am still struggling. The biggest struggle is probably the mental part of it. I have been consistently working out since my orthopedic doctor cleared me. When life happens my first instinct is definitely to fall into those old habits of using food as comfort. I also see that as a form of self sabotage. I’m going through some difficult times at work, and I want something familiar. I’m working on making better choices; choices that will better serve me, my body, my wellbeing, my goals. Since I am a work in progress, I don’t expect it to be easy.

I am so proud of myself for consistently showing up for my workouts. That is such a great accomplishment because I very easily quit different tasks. It gets easy to forget why you started something in the first place. Don’t be afraid to take a moment to assess where you are with meeting your goals and reassess your situation. You have to remember your why or find a new why. Do whatever it takes to get going again.

Let’s stay strong together, and remember, “We got this!”

Until next time,

It’s Me

Moving into the New Year

As the year 2019 comes to an end, I realize that I am stronger than I thought. Things this year that were meant to break me have actually helped to strengthen me. I have been on a journey of self exploration, just trying to find myself, my purpose, etc. I can’t say that I’ve found the answers, but I have been finding myself along the way. I have had some revelations. I still have not won the lottery. I am still going through some turmoil, but I have not been defeated. I am still here striving for better. As I go into the new year, I will do my best to not let those things that don’t serve me control me so much. I will not be chasing friends. If you’ve proven yourself to not be my true friend, I expect you to keep that same energy in 2020 and leave me alone. I will care more about myself and my well being. I am worth it. I’ve got some important moves coming up, some things that I find scary to do, but I must have the courage to do them. I encourage anyone reading this to stand up for the right thing, put yourself first, step out on faith and do that thing that you’ve been wanting to do. Don’t chase people. Chase after bettering yourself. Spend time with people who are there for you. I am worth it, and so are you!!! Stay encouraged.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Our Annual Photo Shoot

So, a little over a year ago I made a post with a picture of my oldest sister and me. The caption said it was a sneak peak and a post would be coming soon. Well, that post never happened until today. It was regarding our annual photo shoot that we are clearly dropping the ball on this year. That’s disappointing, but life has happened quickly this year, and there was no planning. Anywho…

Once again, it was time for our annual photo shoot. This was our third year. It was decided that instead of doing a boudoir shoot that we would just do a glam/beauty shoot. We didn’t do all of the preparation that we did the first two years. I think we both didn’t have very high hopes and weren’t necessarily looking forward to this shoot. We had goals that we didn’t meet, which was a little disappointing. We did remember that the ultimate goal was a feel good photo shoot.

We had a different makeup artist this time, Kawambee D. She actually came to the photography studio to apply our makeup. We had fun, and since it was a beauty shoot, we ended up with some bling on our faces. Our photographer had some new hair for us, and it was gorgeous. The music and the vibe were just right as usual, and magic was made. Let’s get into this by looking at a few pics from our shoot. Enjoy!

Walking into my destiny
I’m an Amazon
Wonder if that dream is to big…No girl, go for it.
Sisterly Love

Makeup by: https://www.instagram.com/kawambeed/

Photos by: https://www.instagram.com/pdillonphotos/

Until next time,

It’s Me

The Journey Continues

If you read my previous post, then you know I had lapband surgery. I was down 50 pounds and forging forward with working out and eating better. Then I was hit with a knee injury. I tore my ACL and medial meniscus in my left knee. I have pretty much been at home since September 17th. I had knee surgery October 21st. I have not been able to do cardio. I’ve only been able to do upper body workouts for the most part. I have gone through all types of emotions since I was injured.

One of the common judgments that people make regarding people who have had weight loss surgery is that we have taken the easy way out. Well, I can definitely vouch for the fact that it is not easy. At this point all I can ask is, “Easy where?” I still love to eat, I am still an emotional eater, so like I stated before, this injury has taken me through all of the emotions. In the beginning I was doing well food wise, but mentally I was challenged because I could no longer do my workouts. Although I was being physically challenged because of my significant decrease in mobility, my biggest challenge was the mental aspects.

I felt quite discouraged from the beginning, but I also started feeling very much alone and lonely. This caused me to go to my place of comfort, food. Of course that is not the way to cope, but clearly it became my way again. Then I had the feelings of disappointment in myself that I would sabotage myself in that manner. If I could change one things about the injury, I would change the way I dealt with my emotions. It was hard to watch my muscle definition and stamina revert because of my limited mobility, and while I made some good choices food wise, I definitely made some poor ones.

I was beating myself up over this lack of progress, but through this ordeal, I would like to believe that I have experienced some growth. I never want to wallow in self pity about what could have been. My knee got messed up, and I messed up in the process of recovery. I am still here with more opportunities to do better. If you can learn anything from me, please let one of them be that “HAVING WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY IS NOT TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT!!!” The big picture for me is that I have not gained back the weight that I lost after being derailed/recovering for the past two and a half months. That is definitely a huge victory. I have a good way to go mentally and physically, but I am here to see where this journey will lead me.

Until next time,

It’s Me