The Year 2021

At first I was going to say that I didn’t feel accomplished this year. The reason for that is because I look at what other people have accomplished and compare myself to them, and in my eyes I just don’t measure up. Then I think why would I compare myself to others? We don’t have the same set of circumstances, and even if we did, well, we’re still not the same people.

I’ve probably spent most of this year being exhausted and overwhelmed, but this year I birthed a baby. I have navigated starting all over again with a new baby because my other baby is seven. It seems as though everything has changed in that seven years, and they are not alike.

I’ve been in survival mode for the past couple of years while navigating being mistreated on my job and trying to discover a sense of self worth since I’ve allowed people to tear me down and turn me into a shell of my former self.

Through all of the emotions, I’ve learned that I can be very patient. I can be persistent. I cannot straddle the fence. I’m either for you or against you. I will burn bridges and never look back. I have more fight in me than I ever thought. I have a lot of people who care about me and my well being. I am worth being treated fairly and with common human decency. I am worth standing up for and fighting for.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I pray that it is greatness. If anyone out there is feeling like me and think you haven’t accomplished anything, at least we are surviving. I haven’t given up, and you don’t need to give up either.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Happy New Year!!!

Trials

They say that trials come to make us stronger. Why do you feel so weak while going through? I’ve been dealing with some mess that’s bigger than me for over a year now, and some days, much like today, I just feel broken and tired. I’m so tired of fighting. But because I’m fighting for myself and the greater good, I CANNOT give up.

As soon as you stand up for yourself some people don’t like it because they think you should take abuse and shut up. While I’m weary today, I recognize that there is power in my voice, and I deserve fair treatment. When I don’t receive it, I deserve to speak up for myself and have my voice heard. The same goes for you. Don’t accept any mistreatment because you are worthy of being treated like a human being.

Don’t give up on yourself even when going through the trials. Although it seems tough, everyday won’t be. Have you had a time where you decided that enough was enough and spoken up for yourself? How did you feel about doing it? Did you find it easy to advocate for yourself? Have you had a friend or coworker that you’ve encouraged to stand up for themselves or that you’ve stood up for? Take a moment and let me know. Thank you for reading.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Cream cheese brownies

Brownies

My mom is a creator in many ways. She creates in the kitchen. She sews. She probably does many other things too. I believe I get my love for baking and cooking from her.

One dessert she created quite frequently is cream cheese brownies. I loved them growing up, and as an adult I’ve made them quite a bit. I don’t think they ever come out exactly the same, but they’re always tasty. Of course my first time trying them I had to call my mom and ask her about a recipe I found. I think it’s very similar to hers.

I hadn’t made these brownies in a few years. The last time I made them is when someone ordered a pan. Since I had a taste for some, I decided to make them. They are very quick and easy to throw together especially with an almost five month old at home who loves being held. I whipped them up during one of his catnaps.

The brownie batter
Fudge swirl
Cream cheese mixture and dark chocolate chips
Finished product

Do you like creating in the kitchen? Let me know what are some things you like creating? I enjoy cooking and baking a variety of things.

Until next time,

It’s Me

The Love of Creating

This will be a short post today because it really doesn’t require too many words. If you know me, then you know I like to create in the kitchen. So, last weekend I made an eclair pudding. I hadn’t made one in years. I rushed to make it, and it didn’t look pretty, but it definitely tasted delicious. I wanted it to be simple, but of course when I opened up my container of cool whip for the first time, might I add, it was filled with mold. Thankfully I had just purchased a container of heavy whipping cream. I hate making my own whipped cream, but I did. It wasn’t as stiff as I wanted it to be, but the entire pan of eclair pudding was devoured.

I wanted a do-over this weekend since I’m such a perfectionist, but when I woke up this morning I decided I needed to do an Oreo cheesecake stuffed waffle cone instead. I went to my favorite place, Pinterest, and I found this https://letsdishrecipes.com/oreo-cheesecake-stuffed-waffle-cones/. The only ingredient I didn’t have were the waffle cones, and no I wasn’t going to make my own. I tweaked the recipe to use what I wanted. So instead of chocolate chips, I used butterscotch chips. By the way, I love butterscotch chips. I used Golden Oreo thins and lemon Oreo thins. The one great thing about a recipe is that you can always tweak it to suit your preferences.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Hey, let me know if you try the recipe. What if anything would did you change?

Obsessions

Do you have any obsessions whether healthy or unhealthy? If so, you’re not alone. I recently had baby number two, and what’s one of the first things I did after arriving home from the hospital? I got on my scale. Why? Because I’m clearly obsessed with my weight. If you’ve been following me or if you know me, then you know I’ve struggled with being severely overweight nearly my entire life and had lapband two years ago. I recognize that the scale is only one way that people measure progress, but for some of us, we’ve let that number define who we are, how our day will go, how we will treat ourselves and even how others should treat us.

I have been so unappreciative of my body and the things it has done by focusing on that number. I’m not as obsessive with it as I used to be, but I know I’m not far from being there if I don’t stay on top of it.

Because we need to

A couple of months ago I was looking around on Instagram, and I came across an influencer who had recently had a baby and was now a mother of two under two. That was so scary to me because taking care of one baby at a time is already a big responsibility. She was wearing a shirt from this company and had a post about canceling SnapBack culture. This really resonated with me as I sat here scale obsessed and struggling with my changed and healing body wondering what my new normal would be. Why are we so obsessed with getting back to our pre-baby weight within a couple of months when it took many months to gain the weight?

I am making a commitment to myself to not be scale obsessed, to be kinder to myself, to respect and appreciate my body for all it has been through and all it can do. The body is an amazing thing, and mine has shown me how amazing it is countless times. After I had my last baby via cesarean, my biggest fear was not surviving the birth. Well, I survived. As I sit here working through body image issues, mental junk, and losing so much hair post partum, it just lets me know that there’s more work for me to do because now my hair is my newest obsession.

As a matter of fact, I made two.
Because we are
Because I never post a side view out of fear.

Let me know your thoughts about obsessing over the scale or anything else. Have you been able to sever your relationship with the scale? If so, what are some things that worked for you?

Until next time, take care and be kind to yourself.

It’s Me

Letter to a Battered Woman

Dear Woman,

You deserve so much more than that man who talks down to you. He’s traded physical abuse for mental and emotional abuse. He still threatens you. He acts like the victim and makes you believe everything is your fault that he can’t control his emotions. You provoked him he says. Why are you always trying to start a fight? Why can’t you just keep your mouth closed? You are stupid he says. He has tried his best to isolate you from your friends and family. Anytime they came around he tried his best to make them uncomfortable by either mistreating them or intruding on any time you try and have with them. It’s like you can’t have friends outside of him, yet he can have all types of friends, even those seemingly inappropriate relationships. He wants you all to himself so he can mistreat you so that’s why he makes sure to try his best to isolate you. He even spreads lies about you to everyone who will listen in an effort to tarnish your character so that you’ll truly have nobody.

You find yourself believing the false narrative he’s built about the abuse and taking on the responsibility for the abuse like, “ Well, perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything because I knew he’d probably get mad. My voice doesn’t matter.” Well, the truth of the matter is that he’s an abuser, a coward, a liar, a manipulator, a bad person, a bully. Your voice does matter. Sometimes all you have to do is exist and it’ll anger him. Whether or not you use your voice, he will be angry. He cannot stand the light that shines within you. He wants to extinguish it. He can’t understand why when he’s spreading these lies about you people still seem to love you, why you still seem to have so much favor, why the traps he’s set for you only seem to ensnare him.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…. one of the biggest lies ever told. Oftentimes after the sting of physical abuse goes away; it’s the words that remain with us replaying themselves over and over again in our head.

Battered woman, I hope one day you escape the prison you seem to be locked up in. I hope you seek counseling to overcome. I hope that you are able to experience a life free from the bondage and that you are able to stop living in shame as though you somehow did something to deserve the abuse.

Many people know they have a family member out there terrorizing someone. Don’t encourage that behavior. Warn people that you see them trying to get involved with. Encourage the abuser to seek help before they ruin someone’s life. Don’t encourage the person being abused to just stay and deal with it. Encourage them to seek help. If they talk to you about what’s going on, don’t tell them to keep those secrets in their own house. That’s one way to stay abused by suffering in silence.

I won’t pretend to have to solution to your problem because there is no one size fits all since people’s situations are different. Just know that there is someone out there who loves you. You can get help. You are worthy of a life free from the abuse that you suffer through.

Until next time,

It’s Me

After the Baby Arrived…

After being at home a few weeks with a newborn without much sleep, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I have lost count of the amount of times that people have told me to ask for help if I need it. Most of the people who have told me this also know that I don’t like asking for help. I know it’s frequently said that we have not because we ask not. Of course we can’t expect for people to be mind readers. It is very evident that people are aware that after giving birth a woman is in a very vulnerable state mobility wise, mentally and all. My thing is, why not normalize offering help? There’s so much information available about how you can truly help someone who has just given birth so to me rather than trying to normalize someone who has just given birth having to reach out to people for help, why not normalize offering help? It can be a listening ear. It can be a meal. It can be some ice water. It can be washing dishes or a load of clothes. It can be a number of things.

It’s already difficult enough trying to heal and making sure your newborn is okay. It’s such a scary and uncertain time that I don’t think the pressure should be added to have to ask people for help. Then you wonder if people will even be willing to help especially if they didn’t already offer. For me personally I always war with being a burden.

I do recognize that some people don’t offer help because they don’t want to be pushy, or they might think they’ll be in the way, etc. Maybe we should normalize having the conversations about how or if someone can help. This first few nights I didn’t even get two hours of sleep, and I felt like a zombie. Once I realized how little sleep I was getting, I made a conscious effort to try harder. I’m back to my regular barely getting any sleep schedule, but at least it’s more than the two hours I wasn’t getting.

Thankfully I’ve had a few meals prepared and brought to me, and I’ve had a few people to reach out to me and let me know they’re there even if I just need to talk. I had this one person who was texting me everyday asking how the baby and I were doing. I was agitated but soon realized that it was only because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t okay. As soon as I realized that and started being honest, things improved because I found that there are people out there who genuinely care about me. I am so grateful for my support system. Thank you for being there for me even when I’m seemingly my most difficult. Thank you for everything, especially your prayers.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Childbirth

It’s such a traumatic experience, but seeing that baby’s face and getting to hold that baby really helps with the healing process mentally. I am so grateful for two live babies to have helped me to heal each time because it’s tough.

My People

For the past week or so but specifically these past few days, I’ve been in an odd mood. I feel duped, but I feel so special. My closest people around me have gone through extraordinary lengths to ensure that I have a special day prior to giving birth. There’s clearly some sort of celebration being planned all around me. I’ve felt tickled, loved and everything else like, “Do they really believe I am that oblivious?” Because I don’t ask a lot of questions, I can be easily fooled, but it gives me a lot of time to think and be suspicious. There are things that I’ve noticed that aren’t adding up. I even wondered how they would get me to dress up and make myself look presentable. I received my answer last night that it would obviously be my husband based on a text message I received. Then this morning he called me with some shenanigans that showed me exactly how their goal would be accomplished. I spoke to my oldest sister this morning where she had some questions for me… more shenanigans. It has taken everything in me to not just laugh hysterically and to hug them.

I posted the last time about my registry, and guess what? Miraculously nearly every item on there has been purchased. Clearly something has been in the works. Makes me think about some seemingly innocent questions that I’ve been asked along the way. It’s like they are trying to make sure there’s nothing left for me to buy. Then last night I had a dream that there was a large group of people together for a baby shower for me but trying to pretend, so I made comments like, “Y’all didn’t even have the decency to warn me so I could look presentable.” Everyone was looking good except for me. I know it probably seems like I already know what’s going to happen today so it won’t truly be a surprise, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know what all is in store for me today, but I am super excited. Yesterday my son told me he had a secret that his dad told him and he wanted to share with me. I’m not, but I really don’t like spoiled surprises. I had to reassure him that he and his daddy could have secrets together. I guess he was a little bit concerned because I’ve talked to him about people trying to keep secrets with children, and I’ve let him know that he needs to talk to me. In his mind since I’ve told him that we don’t have secrets, he’s trying to make sure that’s true. Now he has more information on the secret front. I did talk to my mom this morning about the people’s shenanigans, but nothing specific.

I just know that I am abundantly loved, and my people are making sure that I know that during a very important part of my life. I love you guys!!!

Until next time,

It’s Me

Worthiness

As I get closer and closer to the delivery of baby number two, I grow more anxious about the changes that will come. As we’re in the midst of a global pandemic that many people pretend aren’t real, I can’t help but notice how this pregnancy has been so much different than my first. One thing that has transpired is my interaction with people such as my coworkers. My first pregnancy years ago I was physically at work. I can remember the numerous lunch break trips to Walmart with two of my favorite people who were clearly buying things to prepare to shower me but they would say, “You don’t see anything.” As I’m a person who actually likes surprises to a certain extent, it want something that I dwelled on trying to figure out exactly what they were doing. I just went with the flow enjoying their company.

This time around my work environment has changed tremendously, and it isn’t even just due to the pandemic. I’ve found that there are many people who only have a heart for certain people, and I don’t happen to be one of them. Now I do communicate with some of my coworkers, but working in a hostile environment will do a number to you mentally and emotionally. That has brought about probably the most significant relationship change. I’ve shared my pregnancy freely with those who seem to care about me as a human being and with others only because I have to. I’ve literally had no expectations of people because I’ve allowed many of them to make me feel unworthy.

A large part of that is that no matter how much help I may need, I’ve not reached out much. Even in terms of a baby registry, I created one with intentions of purchasing what I need and not truly sharing it with people because I figure that no one truly cares about or needs to be inconvenienced by me. No matter how much people tell me they care about me, I somehow still don’t feel worthy. It’s crazy, I know.

As I lay awake at 3:30 am and decided I needed to purchase more big ticket items from my registry, I looked and saw that the main item I actually do need had been purchased among other things. My heart is filled with so much warmth. I don’t have a shortage of people who tell me they care about me and love me and speak life into me and my situations on a daily basis. My problem is that I’ve let a few people who don’t truly know me or even care about me determine my self worth. Ultimately they don’t truly matter. The good people matter. The love matters. The kindness matters.

I always try and do good by people. I always try to stand up for the people who are afraid to stand up for themselves. When it comes to myself, I don’t always treat me with the same kindness, care, and concern that I give others. I still struggle with finding my voice. I know it won’t always be so hard. Thank you to the people who have been my support system. This past year specifically has been very rough. There are some who will never understand, but there are others who have stood by me on the frontline fighting the good fight. Y’all, we are so much stronger than we think. We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I know even on my darkest days, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God has been doing such a marvelous work in my life, and I thank Him for being who He is and for providing me with all of these angels along the way.

While you’re out there in this world, remember to spread more love and kindness rather than hate. Most of us are literally trying to survive. Along the journey remember to save some kindness for yourself because you are worthy.

Until next time,

It’s Me