Stuff-hidden files from October 2011

I have been seeing this new doctor, who is an internist. I have heard good things about him. I got some blood work done. Everything came back really good. The only thing that wasn’t good is the insulin. I already knew that since I’ve been working to get it within the normal range for a while.  I was happy to know that I do not have diabetes. I think that is one of my biggest fears since I am at an increased risk for developing it with my PCOS.  My cholesterol was good as well.

I finally got finished with this 30/40/50 challenge that someone invited me to on facebook. It required one to do 30 pushups, 40 squats, and 50 situps everyday for 30 days.  There were many days that I was just going to quit, but I surprised myself by pushing through it. I plan on continuing with them. The situps were probably the most extreme, and some days I had to do modifications for some of the exercises, but nevertheless, I did make it.

I am hoping to be posting some amazing news on here soon, but if not, I already know what my next plan of action is. I have a full week left before I know anything.


Starting Off Right-hidden files from Jan. 1, 2013

I have started the New Year off right with working out. I worked out for a little over 70 minutes.  I got in 45 minutes of moderate activity and 27 minutes of vigorous activity.  I chose several workouts to do b/c I get bored fairly easily. I did some Wii workouts:  Walk it Out, Hip Hop Dance Experience, and Just Dance 3. Then I got in some walking on the treadmill. I must admit that I feel accomplished.

I have gained back some of the weight I lost before going on the cruise, 7-8 pounds. I expected that because I ate quite a few times on the cruise. When I got back into town for the holidays, I continued to eat A LOT. I am not disappointed, because it’s not like I was doing anything not to lose weight. I still have not given up, and I am looking forward to my workouts. I hope that this attitude continues.

Just know that while I have not had much recent weight loss success, it has not deterred me.  Like I’ve said previously, “I cannot afford to quit.”  If you are on this journey as well, remember that you can do it. It will take some time and dedication. How can I be discouraged when I know that I have not put my all into my weight loss journey?  Maybe there is some fear that is coming along with it like, “What will I look like?” “Are people going to start asking me all kinds of questions about my journey?” Previously I was invisible until I began losing weight. Then people started acting as though I was someone important. I didn’t like it. I was still the same person on the inside. I hated the attention, and I didn’t like new people talking to me because of something so superficial. I want to be around real people. This is still so early so I don’t know how things will pan out this time around, but I am here trying.

Sorry for rambling all around,

It’s Me

Issues-hidden files from 2009

So since about the age of 15 I have been having issues with my cycle. I kind of had to do a self diagnosis b/c at the time, doctors weren’t telling me what the problem was. They just gave a quick fix, birth control. It wasn’t until 2006 when a doctor finally told me what I had. It was as I suspected, PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). This year was the first year that I really put forth any effort to lose weight. From January-March of 2009, I lost a total of about 30 pounds. I was working out like crazy to do it. Then afterward, I continued working with a personal trainer for months, and I couldn’t lose a pound. Finally I began gaining the weight back. It has been somewhat discouraging, but I will be going to the doctor this week to hopefully hear about what can be done to get better results. I am hopeful because I would really like to have children. I don’t want this to be a hindrance. I also came to the realization that my personal trainer will not listen to anything that I have to say. He doesn’t understand that there are other ways to measure progress such as measurements. Well, actually he knows, but he just hasn’t taken out the time to do it. He is more focused on those numbers on the scale. That might be fine if I didn’t have the issues that I have. I realized that I can’t continue to go to him and be made to feel like a failure b/c it is seriously annoying me and discouraging me. It’s causing me unnecessary stress that I don’t need in my life at this point.

That is all for now.

Slight breakdown-hidden files from September 2011

Well, today my hubby and I went out to eat for lunch.  He’s been trying his hand at photography. He was talking about being the photographer for a friend of his who is pregnant. I was like, “Hey, I thought I would be your first pregnant photo shoot.” I really don’t care if he has someone else first, but then I was like, “Well, since it looks like I won’t be pregnant anytime soon, that’ll be kind of hard.”  He doesn’t really say much about me not getting pregnant except that it’ll happen. At the rate I am going, it won’t. I felt so sad and started tearing up. It’s really sad sometimes just thinking about it. I want to be stronger than that food. It’s like I’ve always used food as a crutch, and it’s hard to back away. When I really feel down, watch out food. Sometimes I can be powering along making good choices, and then I will just turn around and foul out.

I have definitely been fouling out for the past several months. I can’t even say what month I started Weight Watchers, but it was closer to the beginning of the year. I think it’s been at least 5 months now. I have lost and gained the entire time. These past few weeks, I’ve been gaining. It has really gotten out of hand. I have got to get a handle on it before it is too late. I feel discouraged and embarassed, but I continue to go because I figure I will eventually make better choices.

Anyway, I have been getting my insulin checked every few months because of the insulin resistance that comes along with PCOS.  The first time I got it checked, it was at 120 when the normal range is 0-24.9. I was pretty far away from the norm. the last time I got it checked, it was at 27.1. It has been around that number for quite some time now, so my doctor increased my dosage of the metformin xr. What a bummer. She has encouraged me to get the lap band surgery saying that with PCOS, it is going to be very difficult for me to lose weight and keep it off. How friggin discouraging. She has told me that a low carb diet will work best for me. I just have to love myself more in this life and believe that I am worth it.

The 100th Day of School T-shirt

Back in the day, I used to be somewhat creative.  I always liked creating things.  I once took the old computer printer paper that was connected, some yarn, and cotton and made a pillow with some decorations on both sides.  Of course I couldn’t actually sleep on it, but well, it looked nice.  Anywho, fast forwarding quite a bit, since starting to work, then getting married, then having a child, I felt like I lost the creativity that I once possessed and just have no time or zeal for it.  When my son was in daycare, they started having home projects.  Since he was so young, clearly the expectation wasn’t for him to do them alone.  So, I started feeling a little excited about the projects. 

Fast forward a little more to Pre-K….So my little man started Pre-K this school year, and he has had quite a few projects.  This particular project was to create a t-shirt for the 100th day of school.  I was a little nervous about this one because although I’ve created many things, I’ve never really decorated fabric, or at least not that I can recall.  These days you can find ideas for just about anything on the Internet.  Pinterest is normally my top choice.  I found tons of ideas on the 100th day of school project and showed a few to my son.  He decided he wanted a monster on his shirt, so I had to decided how to execute.  I bought all of the supplies I needed in advance at Hobby Lobby so that I could finish the project early enough in case of problems.  The shirt was looking pretty good if I do say so myself. 

The morning of the 100th day of school arrived.  The shirt was so stiff, but I was able to get it on him.  

Then before we left home, at least three of the 100 googly eyes had fallen off.  I could see that more would probably fall off; however, I was not truly prepared for the sight of the shirt at the end of the day.  There were hardly any googly eyes left, and those “glue” spots had my skin crawling every time I saw it or even thought about it.  Ugh!!!

He told me the eyes were falling off everywhere, and he even gave some to his friends.  I think those eyes were being found for days at school and around the house.  I hid that shirt for some months.  I finally took it out and washed it, and the only thing left is the paint that outlined the monster’s face.  That made me laugh all over again.  

Although I felt it was somewhat of a fail, it wasn’t a total fail because we did count out 100 of those googly eyes and glue them to the shirt.  His shirt did make it to school.  

Have you ever tried your best and had a similar outcome on a school project with your child?  Leave a comment and tell me about it.  At least you know you’re not alone.  Like what you’ve read so far?  If so, like, comment, and subscribe.

Until next time,

It’s Me

Parenting Guilt

Growing up with PCOS and learning more and more about it over the years, I knew there was a possibility that I would be unable to conceive or that the road to conception could be filled with hardship.  I  prayed to God to bless my husband and me with a healthy child, and he did.  It almost seems like I was nobody before I became a mother.  As a parent, you know there is someone who depends on you for love, care, guidance, and so much more.  My son is now four, and this journey has not been easy.  There have been the late nights up worrying when he’s sick. I can normally tell when a fever is coming.  There are those moments of worrying about whether he will stand up for himself instead of letting others run over him.  Since he’s started school, I wonder/worry about him making friends.  I worry about the testing they’ve already started although he’s just in Pre-K.  I am always doubting whether we’re doing enough with him at home with teaching him things.

Then I have feelings of inadequacy surrounding the important role of parenthood.  I also have feelings of guilt because I feel like I don’t have enough time to spend with him because I work full time.  Then I have so much cleaning to accomplish.  Some things never get done, and some are like a vicious cycle.  I feel like I’m forever washing clothes or dishes.  I feel drained at the end of the work day; drained and frustrated.  I feel like I’m just a shell of a person when I come home.  There are some days I feel overwhelmed, and I struggle with finding/making time for myself.  I want to be a happier person so I can be the best wife, mom, sibling, etc.

It’s so easy for people to judge.  For instance, if it’s cold outside and you send your child out with a light jacket instead of a coat, people will think you’re a bad parent.  They don’t know that sometimes it’s taken everything to get the child into a light jacket.  Children can be very head strong, and they are also very intelligent human beings.  I like for my son to be able to make some decisions.  There are days I really have to laugh at the debates we have.  He’s somewhat of a know-it-all, and he’s come by that honestly.

So, the other day he wanted to go outside.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not an outdoor person.  It was nice and warm out, so I took him out there.  He was playing in his playhouse initially.  Then he decided to play with the hose by the pool.  I told him countless times to stop.  I warned him about falling in the pool.  He told me that he wouldn’t.  I decided to do a workout while we were out there.  I noticed his antics with the hose were becoming increasing aggressive.  He kept looking at me as if he expected me to say something to him.  There was a splash, a cream, and then crying.  When I looked he was climbing out of the pool.  Um, for the record, the pool is cold.  Thankfully his head didn’t go in the water.  The only reason this boy was crying was because he thought he lost his new toy in the pool.  Once he realized it was in his pocket, he immediately stopped crying.  I ran him a warm bath.  As we talked about him falling into the pool, he told me that I was the one who kept us outside so long when I knew it was dark.  It wasn’t, but yeah, my fault.  We went outside the next da, and he said he would not be playing with the hose again because he didn’t want to fall into the pool ever again.  I love that boy so much.  He really keeps me laughing.  Although the journey hasn’t been easy thus far, and I don’t expect it to get easier, it has been very rewarding.

Hopefully we’re all doing the best we can.  I just pray that my best is good enough.  I’ll try not to beat myself up about it so much.

Until next time,

It’s Me