Worthiness

As I get closer and closer to the delivery of baby number two, I grow more anxious about the changes that will come. As we’re in the midst of a global pandemic that many people pretend aren’t real, I can’t help but notice how this pregnancy has been so much different than my first. One thing that has transpired is my interaction with people such as my coworkers. My first pregnancy years ago I was physically at work. I can remember the numerous lunch break trips to Walmart with two of my favorite people who were clearly buying things to prepare to shower me but they would say, “You don’t see anything.” As I’m a person who actually likes surprises to a certain extent, it want something that I dwelled on trying to figure out exactly what they were doing. I just went with the flow enjoying their company.

This time around my work environment has changed tremendously, and it isn’t even just due to the pandemic. I’ve found that there are many people who only have a heart for certain people, and I don’t happen to be one of them. Now I do communicate with some of my coworkers, but working in a hostile environment will do a number to you mentally and emotionally. That has brought about probably the most significant relationship change. I’ve shared my pregnancy freely with those who seem to care about me as a human being and with others only because I have to. I’ve literally had no expectations of people because I’ve allowed many of them to make me feel unworthy.

A large part of that is that no matter how much help I may need, I’ve not reached out much. Even in terms of a baby registry, I created one with intentions of purchasing what I need and not truly sharing it with people because I figure that no one truly cares about or needs to be inconvenienced by me. No matter how much people tell me they care about me, I somehow still don’t feel worthy. It’s crazy, I know.

As I lay awake at 3:30 am and decided I needed to purchase more big ticket items from my registry, I looked and saw that the main item I actually do need had been purchased among other things. My heart is filled with so much warmth. I don’t have a shortage of people who tell me they care about me and love me and speak life into me and my situations on a daily basis. My problem is that I’ve let a few people who don’t truly know me or even care about me determine my self worth. Ultimately they don’t truly matter. The good people matter. The love matters. The kindness matters.

I always try and do good by people. I always try to stand up for the people who are afraid to stand up for themselves. When it comes to myself, I don’t always treat me with the same kindness, care, and concern that I give others. I still struggle with finding my voice. I know it won’t always be so hard. Thank you to the people who have been my support system. This past year specifically has been very rough. There are some who will never understand, but there are others who have stood by me on the frontline fighting the good fight. Y’all, we are so much stronger than we think. We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I know even on my darkest days, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God has been doing such a marvelous work in my life, and I thank Him for being who He is and for providing me with all of these angels along the way.

While you’re out there in this world, remember to spread more love and kindness rather than hate. Most of us are literally trying to survive. Along the journey remember to save some kindness for yourself because you are worthy.

Until next time,

It’s Me

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