Slight breakdown-hidden files from September 2011

Well, today my hubby and I went out to eat for lunch.  He’s been trying his hand at photography. He was talking about being the photographer for a friend of his who is pregnant. I was like, “Hey, I thought I would be your first pregnant photo shoot.” I really don’t care if he has someone else first, but then I was like, “Well, since it looks like I won’t be pregnant anytime soon, that’ll be kind of hard.”  He doesn’t really say much about me not getting pregnant except that it’ll happen. At the rate I am going, it won’t. I felt so sad and started tearing up. It’s really sad sometimes just thinking about it. I want to be stronger than that food. It’s like I’ve always used food as a crutch, and it’s hard to back away. When I really feel down, watch out food. Sometimes I can be powering along making good choices, and then I will just turn around and foul out.

I have definitely been fouling out for the past several months. I can’t even say what month I started Weight Watchers, but it was closer to the beginning of the year. I think it’s been at least 5 months now. I have lost and gained the entire time. These past few weeks, I’ve been gaining. It has really gotten out of hand. I have got to get a handle on it before it is too late. I feel discouraged and embarassed, but I continue to go because I figure I will eventually make better choices.

Anyway, I have been getting my insulin checked every few months because of the insulin resistance that comes along with PCOS.  The first time I got it checked, it was at 120 when the normal range is 0-24.9. I was pretty far away from the norm. the last time I got it checked, it was at 27.1. It has been around that number for quite some time now, so my doctor increased my dosage of the metformin xr. What a bummer. She has encouraged me to get the lap band surgery saying that with PCOS, it is going to be very difficult for me to lose weight and keep it off. How friggin discouraging. She has told me that a low carb diet will work best for me. I just have to love myself more in this life and believe that I am worth it.

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