Growing up with PCOS and learning more and more about it over the years, I knew there was a possibility that I would be unable to conceive or that the road to conception could be filled with hardship. I prayed to God to bless my husband and me with a healthy child, and he did. It almost seems like I was nobody before I became a mother. As a parent, you know there is someone who depends on you for love, care, guidance, and so much more. My son is now four, and this journey has not been easy. There have been the late nights up worrying when he’s sick. I can normally tell when a fever is coming. There are those moments of worrying about whether he will stand up for himself instead of letting others run over him. Since he’s started school, I wonder/worry about him making friends. I worry about the testing they’ve already started although he’s just in Pre-K. I am always doubting whether we’re doing enough with him at home with teaching him things.
Then I have feelings of inadequacy surrounding the important role of parenthood. I also have feelings of guilt because I feel like I don’t have enough time to spend with him because I work full time. Then I have so much cleaning to accomplish. Some things never get done, and some are like a vicious cycle. I feel like I’m forever washing clothes or dishes. I feel drained at the end of the work day; drained and frustrated. I feel like I’m just a shell of a person when I come home. There are some days I feel overwhelmed, and I struggle with finding/making time for myself. I want to be a happier person so I can be the best wife, mom, sibling, etc.
It’s so easy for people to judge. For instance, if it’s cold outside and you send your child out with a light jacket instead of a coat, people will think you’re a bad parent. They don’t know that sometimes it’s taken everything to get the child into a light jacket. Children can be very head strong, and they are also very intelligent human beings. I like for my son to be able to make some decisions. There are days I really have to laugh at the debates we have. He’s somewhat of a know-it-all, and he’s come by that honestly.
So, the other day he wanted to go outside. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not an outdoor person. It was nice and warm out, so I took him out there. He was playing in his playhouse initially. Then he decided to play with the hose by the pool. I told him countless times to stop. I warned him about falling in the pool. He told me that he wouldn’t. I decided to do a workout while we were out there. I noticed his antics with the hose were becoming increasing aggressive. He kept looking at me as if he expected me to say something to him. There was a splash, a cream, and then crying. When I looked he was climbing out of the pool. Um, for the record, the pool is cold. Thankfully his head didn’t go in the water. The only reason this boy was crying was because he thought he lost his new toy in the pool. Once he realized it was in his pocket, he immediately stopped crying. I ran him a warm bath. As we talked about him falling into the pool, he told me that I was the one who kept us outside so long when I knew it was dark. It wasn’t, but yeah, my fault. We went outside the next da, and he said he would not be playing with the hose again because he didn’t want to fall into the pool ever again. I love that boy so much. He really keeps me laughing. Although the journey hasn’t been easy thus far, and I don’t expect it to get easier, it has been very rewarding.
Hopefully we’re all doing the best we can. I just pray that my best is good enough. I’ll try not to beat myself up about it so much.
Until next time,